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Omigodtheykilledkenny presidential election, 2015

2010 ←
March 31, 2015 (2015-03-31)
→ 2020

  Faisano2015.jpg Heimann2015.jpg
Candidate Sammy Faisano Angela Heimann-Weisenstrauss
Party Conservative Liberal
Home state Thorland District of Pacifica
Running mate Jack Riley Clover Hippychick
Electoral vote 769 86
States carried 34 1+D.P.
Popular vote 1,087,654,008 805,669,635
Percentage 54% 40%

The Kennyite presidential election of 2015 was held Tuesday, March 31, 2015. Voters chose Conservatives Sammy Faisano and Jack Riley for president and vice president, respectively. They defeated Liberal presidential candidate Angela Heimann-Weisenstrauss and vice-presidential candidate Clover Hippychick. Additionally, Faisano was the first person to exceed 1 billion popular votes for president.

Candidates

President

  • Sammy Faisano was the incumbent candidate, having acceded to the presidency in 2012 when Manuelo Fernanda was forced to flee to Malibu Islands to avoid prosecution. Faisano is the former secretary of state and Kennyite ambassador to Gruenberg, Ardchoille and the United Nations; he was elected as vice president under Fernanda in 2010.
  • Angela Heimann-Weisenstrauss is the former Kennyite ambassador to Gruenberg (and coincidentally succeeded Faisano to the post in 2006). She is a noted feminist scholar, expert on Wenaist teachings and a former State Department analyst on lunatic theocracies.
  • Shirley Jackson, an independent candidate, is a former Federal Assemblywoman and ambassador to The Eternal Kawaii. She served the Kennyite mission to the UN between those two posts.

Vice President

  • Jack Riley was the secretary of state and former Kennyite ambassador to the UN and the Eternal Kawaii.
  • Clover Hippychick is the secretary of the interior, having served in that post for ten years.
  • Jessie McArthur, an independent candidate, was the incumbent vice president, former deputy ambassador to the UN, and a star of the mega-popular reality series World Assembly.

Background

Faisano's behavior in a KBC interview was so bizarre that the reporter asked if he was stoned. When he replied, "Yeah. So?", he shot up ten points in the polls.

Faisano was a popular incumbent entering the 2015 race, yet still vulnerable due to a number of personal scandals that arose during his short time in office. This is nothing unusual, as Kennyite politicians are notoriously prone to scandal, but Faisano had initially been perceived as "cleaner" than most of his contemporaries. That changed when he was accused of engaging in a "corrupt bargain" with his friend, former Judge Sandy Schweitzer, who was alleged to have called in favors from her friends on the bench to assure that Faisano was declared president after Fernanda fled to Malibu Islands. This was followed up shortly after by the 2013 release of the Stark Report, which accused Faisano and his friend Antigone Morgan of lying under oath to conceal their past relationship. No charges were filed against either of them.

However, the president was able to reassure the public of his capabilities with victories over the Secretariat in seizing the Death Star from them, and over the Martian American States in a coup on the Red Planet. Thus Faisano was assured of no serious challenges for the Conservative nomination in 2014-15.

Liberal primaries

Heimann-Weisenstrauss, speaking at an Occupy Paradise City rally, calls upon Kennyites to save the space unicorns.

Former President John Thorne once again threw his hat in the ring, only to have it stomped on by his longtime rival, former Assembly Speaker Jim Hankley. With the two of them holding each other back, Heimann-Weisenstaruss was able to sail past them to victory. A longtime pacifist and advocate of appeasing terrorists, Heimann's slogan was "Make Omigodtheykilledkenny Cower Again."

Campaign

Dominating most polls, due in part to questions about his opponent's sanity, Faisano pretty much coasted through general election season, even taking a break after the first debate to get some sun in Malibu Islands with Morgan, who is totally not his girlfriend.

Heimann had a much tougher slog in her campaign, repeatedly having to walk back from numerous eyebrow-raising claims, like how Faisano's "maddening" foreign policy would hasten "the Druid Apocalypse," or that the president was secretly leading a "brony conspiracy" to take over the world. Some of her proposals resonated with voters, such as her plan to fund prescription-drug coverage by literally robbing corporate criminals like Eduard Heir blind; others, like her plan to rejoin the World Assembly and replace Congress with a "council of compliance gnomes," did not. Polls showed that as much as 30% wouldn't even consider voting for her "unless she submitted to a CAT scan first" -- but hey, she was running against the dude who invaded Mars, so who's the crazy one, really?

It's astonishing Jessie McArthur didn't do better at the polls. She hit all the right buttons.

Debate

About five minutes in, independent vice-presidential candidate Jessie McArthur, who had not been invited to the debates due to lagging poll numbers, broke into the venue and upstaged her opponents with a strip-tease show. Faisano and Heimann both left in a huff when the sexually frustrated debate moderators refused to intervene to stop the spectacle. It was a national embarrassment. And riveting television. Not to mention that month's most viewed YouTube video.

Vice-presidential race

Secretary of State Jack Riley was on the warpath after emerging from the Conservative convention as his party's nominee. He pledged to "show that peacenik commie [Liberal nominee Clover Hippychick] what's what" and to urge voters to "give war a chance!" But after taking just one look at Clover on the vice-presidential debate stage, he was smitten; he forgot all his talking points, and part-way through he asked her if she wanted to go out back and smoke a jay. The gaffe cost him the debate. The two ran off together after it was all over, and haven't been seen since. We have no idea if they even know who won the election.

Results

It was a 34-state rout for Heimann, who won only the District of Pacifica and heavily Liberal Marsh Islands. But she did place a strong second in Colorado Island as well. Faisano even took a narrow majority in the normally Liberal state of Nueva Jorge. Strolling cockily onto the stage at his victory celebration with Morgan -- who is still totally not his girlfriend -- Faisano declared his win "an affirmation of our strengths, our values and our progress as we move forward to create a new Omigodtheykilledkenny!" He then directed the military to also move forward and conquer the holy land. In her concession speech, Heimann despaired that "the Sanrio Kittens are regrouping" and that Lord Gojira "will soon emerge from his slumber and cleanse the countryside." As men in white coats dragged her off the stage, she vowed, "We'll be back! The Fluffy Separatists have pledged their support, and will help us exploit alien technologies to colonize Nibiru! Wheeeeeeee!"

Oh yeah, and Jack Riley won too.

President

Omigodtheykilledkenny presidential election, 2015
Candidate / Party State Electors Pop. % Popular vote
  Sammy Faisano (C) Thorland 769 54% 1,087,654,008
  Angela Heimann (L) District of Pacifica 86 40% 805,669,635
  Shirley Jackson (Green) Kennsylvania 0 4% 80,570,943

Vice President

Omigodtheykilledkenny vice-presidential election, 2015
Candidate / Party State Electors Pop. % Popular vote
  Jack Riley (C) Dist. of Pacifica 764 50% 967,599,100
  Clover Hippychick (L) Graham Land 86 44% 851,619,545
  Jessie McArthur (I) Santa Califia 0 5% 100,480,951
  Others (various) 5 1% 15,498,501

Electoral college

The presidential election is actually 36 separate, concurrent contests, in each of the 35 states plus the District of Pacifica. The winner of each contest is entitled to that state/district's presidential electors, (roughly proportional according to population); the District and most states are winner-take-all. The Liberals won all 56 of the District's electors, all 15 of Marsh Islands', and 15 from Nueva Jorge, which distributes its electors proportionally. Faisano won a majority of the electoral votes in Nueva Jorge, as well as the totality of the remaining 33 states' votes. The popular vote for vice president is nonbinding, but the electors typically honor the recommendations of the voters. In this case, all Liberal electors favored Hippychick and most Conservatives Riley, but five Conservative electors scattered their votes to other candidates. A small number of defections in the vice-presidential vote is not unusual.

Additional materials