2020 Omigodtheykilledkenny presidential election
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The Kennyite presidential election of 2020 is scheduled to be held on March 31, 2020. Incumbent President Sammy Faisano has decided not to seek another term in office; therefore, voters will choose between Conservative nominee and current National Security Adviser Jenny Chiang and "Liberal" Federal Assemblyman Vernel Sandberg. Also the "third parties" are fielding candidates that no one gives a shit about. The nominees for vice president are Conservative former Téjas Governor Justin Grey and teen climate activist Brunhilde Bokk. Chiang would be the first woman elected president, as well as the first Asian, while Sandberg would be the first Jew. Additionally, Bokk would be the first bratty child to hold national office since Manuelo Fernanda or Antigone Morgan.
Candidates
President
- Jenny Chiang is a Navy commando who has served as a key WA diplomat and national security official for the past 15 years. Nevertheless, at the top of her KBI file, in bold red letters, it says, "WHATEVER YOU DO, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN!!!"
- Vernel Sandberg, 79, is a long-serving independent Federal Assemblyman, an avowed socialist and crotchety old crank who is openly hostile to members of both parties. He spends his time running for office because he lives in a senior community where they landscape the front yards with rocks and thus he has no lawn to chase the kids off of.
Vice President
- Justin Grey is the former governor of Téjas who after a 15-year fight with the Vatican was finally granted an annulment from his first wife just last year. His current fiancée and aspiring Second Lady was just four years old when the ecclesiastical dispute started. Grey's father is former President Frank Grey.
- Brunhilde Bokk is a Dutch climate activist who at the tender age of 13 has earned more awards and accolades from left-wing organizations than favorable marks at school (which is not hard to do when you haven't attended school for the past 18 months). She is wise to steer clear from her opponent, considering his last four girlfriends were not much older than her.
Background
It was unclear for quite awhile whether incumbent President Faisano would seek another term in 2020, but several disastrous incidents in 2019 started to make some commentators and pundits doubtful about another run, including when Frowning Street staffers arranged a generous gift of a lifetime supply of Bigcups™-brand brassieres for the visiting Queen of Thessadoria, only to discover upon her arrival that (unlike most of of her countrywomen) she was actually modestly endowed at best; when Vice President Jack Riley suddenly pulled out his trusty AR-15 and opened fire on a squadron of Palentine dolphins in a portable aquarium set up in the Federal Assembly gallery, thus ruining the State of the Union address Faisano was right then delivering; and when the president's visit to London's Tower Bridge was disrupted by a run-in with the evil Mysterio, who had hijacked the late Tony Stark's drone army to target Sammy and his friends whilst unleashing a nightmare of simulated terror upon the city-- well, you get the picture.
In June of that year, Faisano announced that he had had enough and that he would decline another term as president...thus unnerving a significant number of people who knew that without Faisano on the ballot, a fearsome host of psychopaths would be in the running to succeed him. Faisano's friends Jimmy Baca, Antoin Venn, and a number of other State Department officials urged the president to reconsider. Approximately 55,638 members of the dreaded Deep State followed suit. The Palentine's Horatio Sulla delivered a letter signed by hundreds of WA diplomats who feared that if Faisano didn't run, the next Kennyite president would blow up WAHQ. And His Holiness the pope issued a bull proclaiming that Faisano (notwithstanding the fact that he wasn't even Catholic) would be immediately welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven upon his death if he agreed to remain in office "and hold off the impending Apocalypse" that would surely occur if some lunatic were allowed to take his place. Still, Faisano refused to budge.
