2020 Omigodtheykilledkenny presidential election

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Omigodtheykilledkenny presidential election, 2020

2015 ←
March 31, 2020 (2020-03-31)
→ 2025

  Chiang-2020.jpg Sandberg.png
Candidate Jenny Chiang Vernel Sandberg
Party Conservative Liberal
Home state District of Pacifica Marsh Islands
Running mate Justin Grey Brunhilde Bokk

The Kennyite presidential election of 2020 is scheduled to be held on March 31, 2020. Incumbent President Sammy Faisano has decided not to seek another term in office; therefore, voters will choose between Conservative nominee and current National Security Adviser Jenny Chiang and "Liberal" Federal Assemblyman Vernel Sandberg. Also the "third parties" are fielding candidates that no one gives a shit about. The nominees for vice president are Conservative former Téjas Governor Justin Grey and teen climate activist Brunhilde Bokk. Chiang would be the first woman elected president, as well as the first Asian, while Sandberg would be the first Jew. Additionally, Bokk would be the first bratty child to hold national office since Manuelo Fernanda or Antigone Morgan.

Candidates

President

  • Capt. Jenny Chiang is a Navy commando who has served as a key WA diplomat and national security official for the past 15 years. Nevertheless, at the top of her KBI file, in bold red letters, it says, "WHATEVER YOU DO, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN!!!"
  • Vernel Sandberg, 79, is a long-serving independent Federal Assemblyman, an avowed socialist and crotchety old crank who is openly hostile to members of both parties. He spends his time running for office because he lives in a senior community where they landscape the front yards with rocks and thus he has no lawn to chase the kids off of.

Vice President

  • Justin Grey is the former governor of Téjas who has built quite a reputation for chasing pretty young things since winning a 10-year fight with the Vatican to have his first marriage annulled in 2007. His current fiancée and aspiring Second Lady was just seven years old when the ecclesiastical dispute was settled. Grey's father is former President Frank Grey.
  • Brunhilde Bokk is a Dutch climate activist who at the tender age of 13 has earned more awards and accolades from left-wing organizations than favorable marks at school (which is not hard to do when you haven't attended school for the past 18 months). She is wise to steer clear from her opponent, considering his last four girlfriends were not much older than her.

Background

It was unclear for quite awhile whether incumbent President Faisano would seek another term in 2020, but several disastrous incidents in 2019 started to make some commentators and pundits doubtful about another run, including when Frowning Street staffers arranged a generous gift of a lifetime supply of Bigcups™-brand brassieres for the visiting Queen of Thessadoria, only to discover upon her arrival that (unlike most of of her countrywomen) she was actually modestly endowed at best; when Vice President Jack Riley suddenly pulled out his trusty AR-15 and opened fire on a squadron of Palentine dolphins in a portable aquarium set up in the Federal Assembly gallery, thus ruining the State of the Union address Faisano was right then delivering; and when the president's visit to London's Tower Bridge was disrupted by a run-in with the evil Mysterio, who had hijacked the late Tony Stark's drone army to target Sammy and his friends whilst unleashing a nightmare of simulated terror upon the city-- well, you get the picture.

In June of that year, Faisano announced that he had had enough and that he would decline another term as president...thus unnerving a significant number of people who knew that without Faisano on the ballot, a fearsome host of psychopaths would be in the running to succeed him. Faisano's friends Jimmy Baca, Antoin Venn, and a number of other State Department officials urged the president to reconsider. Approximately 55,638 members of the dreaded Deep State followed suit. The Palentine's Horatio Sulla delivered a letter signed by hundreds of WA diplomats who feared that if Faisano didn't run, the next Kennyite president would blow up WAHQ. And His Holiness the pope issued a bull proclaiming that Faisano (notwithstanding the fact that he wasn't even Catholic) would be immediately welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven upon his death if he agreed to remain in office "and hold off the impending Apocalypse" that would surely occur if some lunatic were allowed to take his place. Still, Faisano refused to budge.

Conservative primaries

As it turned out, the fears of Faisano's supporters were not without base, as the first prominent members of the president's own party to announce were bomb-throwing neocon hardliners like Vice President Riley, Capt. Chiang and Assemblywoman (and frequent cable-news talking head) Erica Dolittle. In a veritable fit of quasi-desperation, the administration offered up Secretary Baca as a "sensible" alternative. Also former Governor Grey ran, most assume for laughs. Baca (campaigning under the slogan "Jim!") rose to second lace in most polling, while Chiang maintained a modest lead.

In the first primary debate, held in a lavish Paradise City hotel ballroom, the hotel's resident "feline ambassador," Bubbles, quietly wandered into the venue, causing Riley to point and scream hysterically at her for several minutes before finally racing up the aisle for the main exit. So he was out. About a month later, Dolittle was discovered aboard the yacht of billionaire Arab Prince Mohammed Mohammed Hamid Mohammed, lounging topless on the deck and committing acts which are not appropriate to describe to our underage readers. Neither the media nor the voters could care less about the partial nudity or PG-13 sexual content, but the fact that the congresswoman would canoodle with a known Muslim (and therefore a terrorist) was just too much for them. So she was out too. A random floozy lept into Grey's arms during a campaign rally in November and he wasn't heard from again.

Meanwhile, in the race between the actual candidates for president, Chiang put together a strong platform of deriding Baca as "low energy" and mocking the size of his hands. ("No wonder your wife keeps fooling around on you!" she quipped in one debate.) For this, voters awarded her big wins in most key primary contests, while Baca prevailed narrowly in a handful of mostly left-leaning states. He was forced to drop out after Super Tuesday, leaving Chiang as the presumptive nominee.

Liberal primaries

Sandberg did have opponents for the Liberal Party's nomination, but the media and prominent party leaders were too obsessed with the fact that they were all white guys to care. The assemblyman easily clinched the nomination while CNN's analysts were still quibbling over whether Senator Elijah Norman's dubious claims to Xtap ancestry made the field "diverse enough."