Antigone Morgan Beteta

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Antigone Morgan
Antigone nice rack.jpg
Vice President of Omigodtheykilledkenny
In office 2005 – 2010
President Manuelo Fernanda
Succeeded by Sammy Faisano
Personal details
Born (1973-01-16) January 16, 1973 (age 51)
Thoringrad, Graham Land
Political party Independent
Spouse Lenny Beteta (m. 2018)
Residence Paradise City, D.P.
Profession Model/Actress
Businesswoman
Diplomat

Antigone Morgan Beteta is a Kennyite actress, businesswoman, politician, diplomat, and contender for "Best Rack in the Region." A former TV and movie star best known for her role as Ruby in the Kennyite Friends knockoff Amigos, and for defiling the silver screen in the Wayans Bros. crime-against-cinema Spank Me Scotty!, Morgan later served as vice president of Omigodtheykilledkenny from 2005 to 2010, and was appointed thereafter as the country's International Goodwill Ambassador, while filming her critically reviled reality show Antigone Morgan's Antarctica.

As vice president, her main duties included ribbon-cuttings, attending state funerals, obsessing over her hair and appearance, overloading the administrative budget with ridiculous expenditures on original designer gowns and a superfluous entourage, making overly extravagant entrances to official functions, sitting around and praying waiting for then-President Manuelo Fernanda to die or take sick, and only occasionally attending cabinet meetings or carrying out her official duties as chairwoman of the Federal Senate. Her qualifications and capacity for her job were questionable, she was totally out of the loop, and it was rumored the president only endorsed her in the 2005 election because he thought she would put out. No such luck. She was succeeded in 2010 by her former houseboy and then-Secretary of State Sammy Faisano, who became president in 2012.

Morgan, who was a candidate for vice delegate of Antarctic Oasis in 2008, has announced her candidacy for delegate in the next region-wide contest,[1] though that event has not yet been scheduled.

Entry into politics

For the sake of our readers' peace of mind, we will not recount the horrors witnessed in screenings of her 2000 cinematic debut as the star of Spank Me Scotty! (which was described by even the friendliest of Morgan critics as "about as enjoyable as a kick to the crotch"), or her small-screen exploits a few years earlier as a cast member of Amigos (which wasn't so much "bad" as it was really, really cheesy -- and besides, the never-ending storyline about Rob and Ruby constantly breaking up and getting back together again was pretty fucking annoying: "WE. WERE. ON. A. BREEEEEAK!!!"--oh my God, shut up already!). But needless to say, those who are familiar with her work as an actress will be able to understand just how much of a joke it was when she was nominated for president in 2005...and how pathetic it was when she decided to take her fans' draft efforts seriously. She did not win any state primaries, though she did pull in a stunning 85,000 write-in votes among Conservative primary voters in Colorado Island. Manuelo Fernanda, the horny Neanderthal who had somehow won the Conservative nomination, elected to champion her cause for some reason, and she found herself on the national ballot as the Conservative candidate for vice president.

Poorly prepared and vastly under-qualified, her chances at actually winning the election were nil. She made many revealing gaffes on the campaign trail: for example, when then-reputable journalist Katie Couric asked her about Fernanda's criticism of the United Nations, and she replied, "I think you mean the United States, Katie"...or during the vice-presidential debate, when her opponent gave a competent answer to a question about what the country should do to counter terrorism, and her response was, "What he said." Polls showed her as much as eight points behind the week before the vote. Luckily, that's when softcore girly mag Kennyboy, wanting to make a buck off recent political headlines, decided to publish a never-before-seen photo-shoot of Morgan going topless a few years back. Not gonna lie, they were rather impressive to behold -- and she won the election in a walk.

Predictably enough, Morgan accomplished little as vice president, but to be fair, the president didn't accomplish much, either. The secretary of state did most of the work. Morgan, meanwhile, spent most of her time trying to suppress paparazzi photos of her reputed topless form on display in Malibu Islands; denying tabloid rumors about her and Sammy Faisano; being pimped out for various administration objectives, including regional treaties and UN/WA repeals; and [insert joke about Manuelo Fernanda's wandering hands here]. After a single term, she decided she'd had enough. Whether to thank him for servicing her er, "his service," or because she was leaving office and no longer gave a flip what the tabloids said of them, she recommended Faisano to take her place on the national ticket. He won.

Candidate for vice delegate

Morgan, getting perhaps a little too friendly with a young Cottian voter.

During the 2008 regional competition for the delegacy, Morgan opted to support The Palentine's Horatio Sulla, telling Fox News she admired his commitment to free-market principles and national sovereignty, adding, "and let's face it: the guy's a stud! He's felt me up in a drunken stupor on several non-consecutive occasions, and I'd let him do it again!"[2] When a billboard campaign trumpeting her endorsement of Sulla resulted in "Antigone Morgan's boobs" outpolling Sulla in the Dourian primary, the senator nominated Morgan as his vice delegate. As Sulla's advisers could have predicted, Morgan embarrassed the campaign on multiple occasions, being accused of bribing teenage boys with beer and porn in the child-dominated nation of Cottia, suffering memory lapses when she praised an Altani colonial rebellion she had threatened to crush just months earlier, and initiating a on-air catfight with a newswoman -- but in the end it was Sulla who doomed his own candidacy by trying to lighten things up with a little racist "humor" in the Kennyite election. Besides, the catfight was pretty hot.

Personal life

You can see it all happen every week on Antigone Morgan's Antarctica (which is pretty fucking ironic, considering how much she bitches about the tabloids' cameras). Every sordid detail of her private life is covered (and simultaneously uncovered) on that ridiculous documentary series, from fights with her loser boyfriend (and now hubby) Lenny Beteta to fights with her neighbors about her and Lenny's noisy domestic disputes (and equally noisy make-up sessions). The show, which debuted in 2011, was actually canceled in 2014, but it just refuses to die. It used to cover Morgan's exploits on her globe-trotting visits to other nations as "goodwill" ambassador, as she played nice with foreign leaders, and then talked shit about them behind their backs. But ever since she was forced to leave her ambassadorial post in 2014 after nations threatened to impose sanctions on Omigodtheykilledkenny if she or her camera crew ever showed up on their doorsteps again, it now focuses primarily on her home life.

Feud with Empress Jhessan

Side-by-side comparison: which one catches your eye?

Since Jhessan Spaulding was introduced to the world as The Palentine's "co-empress," Morgan has been doing whatever she can to one-up her, and Jhessan has been only too willing to bring it right back at her. The conflict came to a head during Antarctic Oasis Day 2011, when Jhessan made a surprise visit to Paradise City for the local festivities, attracting a lot of attention from appreciative Kennyites -- only to be showed up by the former VP, being escorted down the parade route by a noisy phalanx of 5,000 motorcycle enthusiasts calling themselves the "Thundering Rollers."[3] The two met up again in 2015 at Jhessan's Malibu Islands retreat for an impromptu beach volleyball match; Jhessan won.[4]

Much of the rivalry between the two is centered around their respective busts, and which one is better. However, both claim any comparison would be unfair, since the other has obviously had work done. Jhessan won a 2011 Kennylife magazine survey for "Best Rack," though Morgan's camp insists the poll was rigged.[5] The vice president even called a Senate investigation into whether Jhessan's boobs were real,[6] but the results were "inconclusive." (Apparently Jhessan had already seen that episode of Seinfeld and wasn't about to fall for the "tripping in the sauna" trick.)

The contest has also involved which gal can deliver the choicest insults against the other, though Jhessan probably wins this one, having once called Morgan the "silicon slut" and nicknaming her reality show "How to Skank Your Way Across the AO."[7]

Additional materials