Jenny Chiang

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Jenny Chiang
ChiangWA.jpg
Chiang speaking before the WA General Assembly, 2015
President-elect of Omigodtheykilledkenny
Assumes office June 6, 2020
Vice President Justin Grey
Succeeding Sammy Faisano
Kennyite National Security Adviser
Incumbent
Assumed office February 13, 2008
President Manuelo Fernanda
Sammy Faisano
Kennyite Security Attaché to the WA
Incumbent
Assumed office March 2006
Personal details
Born (1977-10-25) October 25, 1977 (age 46)
Paradise City, D.P.
Political party Conservative
Residence WA Headquarters

Jennifer Lee Chiang (b. October 25, 1977) is president-elect of Omigodtheykilledkenny. The Conservative Party nominee in the March 31, 2020 election, she assumes office on June 6. Described as "a macho Navy commando in a corset and a thong," Captain Chiang has served as the Kennyite national security adviser and security attaché to the World Assembly for a number of years. Her surname derives from that of Chinese republican hero Chiang Kai-shek, from whom she claims direct lineage.

Career

An officer in a naval "Stripper Commandos" brigade during the 2005 Kawaiian Kitten Revolution, Lieutenant Chiang was promoted to commander and given command over the security detail for the Kennyite UN/WA mission in March 2006. When then-Ambassador Jack Riley was placed on "medical leave" in July of that year, Chiang was granted broader authority to formulate mission policy, especially as it applied to national- and international-security matters. She served as interim ambassador in 2007 and deputy ambassador from 2007 to 2008. She was promoted to captain in 2011.

Then-Lt. Chiang, protecting her country from psychotic rampaging kittens, 2005.

Then-Cdr. Chiang described her wartime experience as it applied to her goals as a diplomat when she was first introduced to the UN mission: "Considering [that] warfare, mindless destruction, smashing shit up, and random acts of violence turn on the average Kennyite just as much as the usual kinky sexual stuff, exploring the...ahem...exotic aspects of armed conflict was a natural move for us. This philosophy came in handy when we put down that prudish asylum of deranged kitty-worshipers one tragic Christmas. I was on hand for that special event, and witnessed firsthand the excellence of my comrades-in-arms, and the damage that can be done to the enemy simply by tantalizing the senses and arousing the hormonal appetites of all the boneheaded men that deign to rule this world."

Chiang speaks for the Federal Republic during many General Assembly floor debates and drafting sessions, and is considered the more blunt and "brutally honest" speaker on the Kennyites' WA team. She is a steadfast advocate for rudeness, profanity and incivility on the GA floor. As security attaché, her rather zealous efforts at protecting the mission and its staff from perceived threats have come under scrutiny: she has been accused, if not formally charged, with using torture on terror suspects (and journalists, and rival ambassadors, etc.), spearheading "illegal" wiretaps, and installing listening devices in the Strangers' Bar, where she is a frequent customer. It was in recognition for these tireless endeavors that Chiang was eventually appointed national security adviser, a position in which she devoted a seemingly unhealthy amount attention to the WA Security Council's repeated attempts to "commend" the Federal Republic.

She is said to have shared an excellent rapport with Sammy Faisano while he was UN ambassador, and has proven quite adept at thwarting current Ambassador Susa Batko-Yovino's attempts to explode himself -- and evading ethics investigators' queries about her professionally disturbing and, frankly, disgusting affair with him.

Famous quote

 
 
We're not baking cookies here; we're crafting international law, and there's no reason on Earth why we shouldn't express the positions of our respective governments with all due clarity and bluntness. ... You wanna make friends? Go visit the Strangers' Bar -- and as long as we're tossing out clichés, if ya can't take the heat, buddy, get the fuck out of the kitchen!
 

 

Additional materials