Lawrence Welk Village

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Lawrence Welk Village
Parliament Square in southern Lawrence Welk Village.
Country SchutteGod
Founded 1610
Rebuilt 1645
Founder Hansel Sheckelford
Government
 • Mayor (de facto) Edna Maye Higgins
Population (2017)
 • Total 354,522

Lawrence Welk Village is the capital of SchutteGod. Founded in the 1600s, it is one of the most important cities in the country - historically, culturally, economically and politically. It is either the third or fourth largest city in terms of population, being roughly on par with other major cities like Sandy Eggo, Shempville and Whammy City. It is known for a quaint, pleasant, European village-like ambiance, and for hosting the regular citywide shriekings of the nation's illustrious leader, Mrs. Schutte, who broadcasts daily patriotic messages via loudspeaker.

History

A cluster of tiny villages on the Schuttean countryside preceded what is now known as Lawrence Welk Village, hundreds of years before the nation's founding in the late 20th century. Around 1610, a wealthy businessman by the name of Hansel Sheckelford wanted to use the villages' river access of improve trade within the area. Modern cobblestone roads were constructed to connect the villages, while a main town grew up along the riverbanks, with Sheckelford declaring himself Lord Mayor of the community. The Lord Mayor's plan seemed to work, with the economic success of his port spreading throughout the area, until some three decades later, when the Lord Mayor, now ailing from age and mental derangement, announced plans to build the tallest tower in the history of human civilization. Sheckelford's correspondence at the time reveals he was terrified of dying, and sought to create a physical barrier between the Earth and the heavens - an umbrella of sorts - so the angels could not sweep down and claim his soul. Systematically he began seizing resources from local businessman and the surrounding villages to construct the tower, which was reputed to have reached 1,000 feet, before a sudden fire destroyed it along with the entire town. The Lord Mayor, who at the time was cowering in a stories-high apartment he had had installed in his tower, is believed to have died of asphyxiation before he, the apartment, tower and all tumbled to the ground below.

The people of the community rallied to rebuild their city, and before long, a new village hugging the riverbanks helped the citizens forget that a crazy old man in the attic had ever threatened their very livelihoods. That same city survives to this day, after undergoing a few minor name changes: from the original town of Sheckelford, to the new city of Sheckelford Who?, to the experimental rebrandings of The Sheckelford-Who Renaissance, SheWhoRe, Alien Abduction Central, Hello Kitty Factory Centre, The Burned-Out Remains of the Hello Kitty Factory, and finally Lawrence Welk Village, during the Schutte Revolution of 1989.

Architecture

Illustration from London Bridge for Kids! (1850), the inspiration for St. Anne's Bridge.

Lawrence Welk Village was designed to resemble a small and quiet northern European village, or roughly what the original town is supposed to have looked like, and that feel still largely exists to this day. However, due to various fires, chemical explosions, a nuclear meltdown, and a cosmetics-testing experiment gone horribly wrong, most of the oldest structures in the city date only to the 1950s.

One notable exception is St. Anne's Bridge, completed in 1831, which still straddles the Reek River and connects the northern and southern sectors of the city. Its construction was funded by Mrs. Anne Washburn, who had been recently widowed and sought to spend all of her late husband's money before it could be bequeathed to his 16-year-old mistress. Mrs. Washburn's only condition was that the builders outfit a multiple-story house at the center of the bridge, so that travelers could patronize her business. Unfortunately, city planners neglected to ask what sort of business Mrs. Washburn was in, and had already cashed the check by the time they found out, and so St. Anne's Bridge and Ye Olde Sexe Shoppe was officially christened on March 30, 1831.

New Town Center in southern Lawrence Welk Village.

Many other structures, mainly houses, apartments and ground-floor shops stacked very closely together, were added to the bridge over the next few decades. The bridge's engineers had based their plans on an illustrated children's book about the original London Bridge - unfortunately they never bothered skipping to the end where the bridge was on the verge of collapse. Add to that, they were German and hadn't even heard the famous nursery rhyme before. If Kent Brockman had been on TV in the 1800s he might have decried it as "a veritable orgy of poor planning." Most of the bridge's structures were destroyed in a 1900 fire; afterward the above-road structures were dismantled. Replicas of some of the original buildings were constructed as tourist attractions after the 1989 revolution; however, double-deck buses kept slamming into the overpasses, so they had had to be raised a few feet.

A relatively new town center, including numerous shops and government buildings, was built in southern Lawrence Welk Village shortly after Mrs. Schutte took over the country. Reputedly modeled after Renaissance-era Danish style, some architects are convinced the city planners simply stole the plans for Solvang, California.

Politics

Though the presence of the national government is heavily felt in Lawrence Welk Village, local management of the city is largely unofficial and carried out by private foundations, some with funding from the government. The lack of accountability for city funds has led to a large degree of corruption. Mrs. Edna Maye Higgins of the Lawrence Welk Retirement Villas Community Association is said to wield almost-dictatorial power over city operations. This is so because the government's minister for the capital district recently invited local residents to air their concerns through his office, but instead of getting constructive feedback, was treated to constant visits by Mrs. Higgins, whose concerns were primarily related to traffic noise, shifty-looking teenagers on the next block, and her neighbor's sickly cat. Rather than continue to argue with her, the minister gave her free reign over the city's governance.

Lawrence Welk Village is divided into three parliamentary districts; Mrs. Marla May Hooper represents northwestern LWV, Andrew van der Sleet represents southern LWV, and Hal Hubert represents eastern LWV. Each district contains approximately 118,000 residents.