Difference between revisions of "Sammy Faisano"

Latest revision as of 21:55, 12 December 2018

Sammy Faisano
31st President of Omigodtheykilledkenny
Incumbent
Assumed office	August 5, 2012
Preceded by	Manuelo Fernanda
Vice President of Omigodtheykilledkenny
In office	June 6, 2010 – August 5, 2012
Preceded by	Antigone Morgan
Succeeded by	Jessie McArthur
Kennyite Secretary of State
In office	April 2008 – April 2010
Personal details
Born	(1982-04-19) April 19, 1982 (age 42) Summit City, Thorland
Political Party	Conservative
Spouse	Avaya Thibaudet (engaged, 2008–10)
Alma mater	Summit City Liberal College (B.A.) Paradise City University (M.A.)

Samuel Faisano (b. April 19, 1982) is the 31st president of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny. A member of the Conservative Party, he assumed the presidency on August 5, 2012, when then-President Manuelo Fernanda fled the country to avoid prosecution on charges of attempted murder and "criminal sluttiness."^[1] A federal judge then ruled that Fernanda had forfeited the presidency and declared then-Vice President Faisano the new commander in chief. During his administration, Faisano has ordered investigations into government corruption under Fernanda, invaded the planet Mars,^[2] and allegedly oversaw the siege of the World Assembly's Death Star.^[3] The nation's WA mission has also become more active. Faisano was elected to a full term as president in the 2015 election.^[4]

Prior to his presidency, Faisano served as ambassador in a succession of overseas posts, including Gruenberg, Ardchoille and the United Nations, and was secretary of state from 2008 to 2010, when he was elected vice president. He has also been a magnet for tabloid curiosity, having been plagued by multiple scandals involving his former fiancée, Avaya Thibaudet, and his former employer, ex-Vice President Antigone Morgan.

Early life and career

Because he was an orphan, Faisano's origins are something of a mystery to his country, and even to his family. It has been rumored that his maternal grandparents are Gelziens, and that his birth parents were disappeared by Gurglestani secret police, after which he was discovered by Catholic missionaries and spirited off to Omigodtheykilledkenny for a "better" life. Some public figures have speculated as to even more exotic origins. However, since Faisano's birth certificate says he was actually born in Summit City, most people grudgingly accept that his real birth story is probably a lot more boring.

Faisano during Army combat training, 2000.

As babies, Faisano and another orphan child named Crystal were adopted by Frank and Shelley Faisano, through Our Lady of Perpetual Belligerence Group Home for Rejects Nobody Wants, in Summit City. But since both Sammy and Crystal were raised by their adoptive grandmother, it's not exactly clear what happened to their actual adopted parents. Shelley, a Summit City cop, was either killed by a colorful supervillain Faisano would be fated to confront in his early adult life, or kidnapped by a crazy ex-boyfriend, eventually caught Stockholm syndrome, and ran off with him -- whichever version suits you better -- while Frank, an avid surfer, may have been eaten by a shark. Sammy Faisano attended Summit City Liberal College, majoring in international relations, while training with the Kennyite Army Reserve. He graduated in 2004 and went on to pursue a graduate degree. Through his army connections, he was named Vice President Morgan's personal assistant when she assumed office in June 2005 -- although since the vice president doesn't really do anything, it remains open to speculation what said "personal assistance" actually involved.

Faisano rose to semi-national prominence when he piloted the daring mission to deliver the Federal Republic's Doomsday weapon to the heart of Sanrio City during the Kitten Revolution in The Eternal Kawaii. By some accounts, Faisano met Jenny Chiang, his future UN security attache and national security adviser, while on duty in Sanrio City. He was welcomed home a hero and awarded a cushy job as military attaché to Gruenberg upon the conflict's conclusion in 2006 -- and when Ambassador Stevie Nicks unexpectedly choked and died on a priceless Wenaist artifact not long after his arrival in Flurthwel, he heroically stepped in as acting ambassador.

Diplomacy and stuff

With barely enough time to settle in his new gig, Faisano was quickly shuffled off to his new new gig at the UN when the Federal Republic got over its hissy fit and finally rejoined the then-international body in July of 2006. Assigned with the unhappy task of convincing the world that Kennyite policy at the UN wasn't all human-rights denials and dolphin slaughter, he set right down to work on more failed resolutions, dodging his deputy ambassador, and trying to look cool in front of Princess Jianna. As his only real success as ambassador seemed to be his dealings with those shifty Ardchoilleans at the Strangers' Bar (including a successful negotiation of his predecessor's release), he was named ambassador to Ardchoille in September 2007 -- and because the key leaders of Artichokeville tend to spend most of their time in the Strangers' Bar anyway, he didn't even have to go anywhere.

In April 2008 in Paradise City, at what would become known as the "Mad Tequila Party," President Fernanda got drunk and fired everybody. In the ensuing cabinet shuffle, Faisano shoved Alex Tehrani out of his chair and took his job as secretary of state. He'd soon find out, however, that he'd have no fewer headaches as head of the State Department than as one of its diplomats. He had the aftermath of that year's World Assembly switchover to deal with, as well as the unsettling ascendancy of Unibotian and Glen-Rhodesian contingents in the new body. Even so, the Federal Republic scored important international victories during Faisano's tenure at State, including the passage of three landmark resolutions at the WA, and the improving of relations with WA legislative giants Knootoss, Mousebumples and Sionis Prioratus.

Frowning Street

With the 2010 elections approaching, Vice President Morgan dramatically announced that "only dead fish go with the flow," and thus, she was resigning as vice president of the Federal Republic. Unwittingly reviving rumors about her and her former personal assistant, she named Faisano as her preferred successor at Frowning Street, and Fernanda -- not wanting to have another name to remember in the new term -- obliged. Fernanda and Faisano were elected by staggering margins.

Not much was accomplished during Faisano's vice-presidency, though Sammy did get in a lot of good sleep, got his laptop really sticky,^[5] mastered the art of ribbon-cutting, and excelled at sitting around and waiting for the president to die. But he was occasionally called in to do actual work, such as negotiating a corrupt trade deal with Knootoss in exchange for dropping an unfavorable repeal,^[6] and presiding over a joint session of Congress to elect Zarquon Froods the regional delegate.^[7]

President Faisano, bailing Vice President Jessie McArthur out of jail, 2014.

We mentioned sitting around and waiting for the president to die, right? Well, it turns out Fernanda didn't die; he was just scandalized out of office -- which everybody should have been expecting, quite frankly. Another thing they didn't expect was what their supposedly rational, level-headed new president would do once he seized power. You already know about the misadventures with the Death Star and the invasion of Mars, and Faisano getting re-elected anyway. There was also a bit about Judge Sandy Schweitzer, Fernanda's 2010 opponent, allegedly engineering Faisano's accession to the presidency by calling in a few favors from her friends on the bench^[8]...and that little SNAFU on the Kennyite space agency's asteroid-hunting project that now threatens to doom mankind.^[9]

It seemed Faisano was trying to emulate his predecessor in every respect. He already had the corruption, the rogue-state tendencies and the bullying of littler nations down. All that was left was for the president to thoroughly embarrass the nation with scandalous revelations about his private life. Which brings us to our next section.

Private life

Large chunks of Faisano's (supposed) personal dealings are revealed in his ex-fiancee Avaya Thibaudet's bestselling tell-all, I Married a Dud (or I Would Have, If the Bastard Ever Agreed on a Date!) The words "floozy," "man-whore" and "scumbag" appear repeatedly. Faisano, of course, denies most of the claims made in the book -- though the passages about Faisano sustaining a minor head injury on Thanksgiving after being chased across the WAHQ campus by Thibaudet wielding a nine-iron -- and his "making out" with a Taki Tiki woman at the Guana Tonga Mo Bay airport -- are probably true. The stuff about Faisano's supposed "sex-fantasies" involving Captain Kirk and a Hot Alien Chick, and Frodo/Galadriel from LOTR, are probably not.

Faisano met Thibaudet at the Strangers' Bar in 2006, when the latter was still an intern in Ardchoille's UN offices. They started dating the next year, and were engaged by 2008. They were their countries' respective foreign ministers during most of their relationship, and were a favorite subject of Ardchoillean tabloids. By 2010, they had separated. Shortly after Faisano was sworn in as president in 2012, it was revealed that the couple had participated in a "hand-fasting" ceremony in Ardrigh during their stormy engagement. Because the ceremony was legally considered a "marriage" according to Ardchoillean religious tradition, Avaya is jokingly referred to as the "First Lady" of Omigodtheykilledkenny in both countries.

Longtime friend Antigone Morgan is another example of collateral damage in the Kennyite press's obsession with Faisano's romantic life. Eyebrows were raised in 2006 when Faisano and Morgan were seen "dirty dancing" at the Strangers' Bar,^[10] and again in 2015 when Morgan playfully spanked Faisano during an impromptu beach-volleyball match hosted by Empress Jhessan.^[4] Also there was a sex tape -- if the various fantastical claims made by I Married a Dud are to be believed. But Morgan has denied it: "Even if Ms. Thibaudet's claims that we occasionally dressed up as Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog during sex-romps had a shred of credibility to them, the couple in that video is clearly not us. That bitch is chubby, even for a pig." Morgan eventually copped to "fooling around" with Faisano in the past, on a strictly "with benefits," "no strings attached" basis,^[11] but congressional Liberals contend she was only trying to fend off charges stemming from the 2013 "Stark Report" when she did so. The report, detailing numerous sexual harassment claims (99.9% of them against ex-President Fernanda) by former Frowning Street aids and interns (99.9% of them represented by Gloria Allred), accuses both Faisano and Morgan of lying under oath during depositions with Allred to conceal their relationship.^[12]

Feud with Empress Jhessan

Yeah, Empress Jhessan feuds with a lot of people. This one traces its origins back to 2006, when during a reception for Jhessan's coronation as "co-empress" Faisano lost his footing and fell face-first into the newly minted royal's bountiful cleavage. Although Jhessan knew the incident was not Faisano's fault, she slammed him to the floor and elbow-dropped him anyway. She has been raring for a rematch ever since -- the fact that she won the first bout notwithstanding. Faisano announced he would accept the empress' persistent challenges shortly after he became secretary of state in 2008. Much was made of the fact that Faisano was receiving special training from retired Kennyite and Palentine wrestlers, and that he had made a trip to The 'Burgh for the match, but it is not known if the fight ever took place, or if it did, who won. Another chance run-in between the two occurred in 2011, during AO Day festivities in Paradise City, when then-Vice President Faisano once again lost his footing and fell face-first into the empress' bountiful -- yeah, you get it. For reasons unknown, Jhessan did not kick his ass that time. He's been nervously looking over his shoulder ever since.