Stark Report

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Special Counsel Kent Stark

The Stark Report was an investigative account into sexual-misconduct allegations against a number of top Kennyite government employees, chief among them President Sammy Faisano and disgraced ex-President Manuelo Fernanda. It was released in 2013 after a months-long investigation conducted by special counsel Kent Stark.

Background

Stark's investigation was actually the byproduct of a proposed class-action lawsuit submitted to a federal court in 2012 by shrill feminist attorney Gloria Allred, who had compiled a vast number of sexual-harassment and -assault claims against Susa Batko-Yovino, Alex Tehrani, Jack Riley, then-Vice President Faisano and then-President Fernanda. Allred suspected that all of them had lied under oath during depositions with her law office, and referred them to federal prosecutors. Additionally, all but Fernanda were accused of lying under oath to protect the president. Fernanda's Justice Department initially ignored the criminal referrals, with one official mocking Allred as "living in a fantasy world...I mean, Fernanda, maybe—or even Susa! And Tehrani always likes his boys! But really, folks...oops, I've said too much." For some reason, the department was forced to appoint a special counsel to investigate not long after.

In 2011, Allred had claimed before the WA Security Council (which was considering commending the Federal Republic) that in addition to two misconduct claims against Faisano, she had received complaints from "several women who had been subject to inappropriate remarks on the part of Ambassador Batko-Yovino, right before he threatened to kidnap them and behead them on YouTube, as well as no fewer than six Karmicarian "businesswomen" who worked for Secretary Riley, a cabana boy who on occasion served Secretary Tehrani, and upwards of 300 former aides to President Fernanda."[1] The number of claimants against the president would eventually swell to roughly 6,792.[2] The mountain of Fernanda-related legal documents in Stark's office accumulated until the stacks resembled mini-skyscrapers made of boxes and sorted paper. One evening the paperwork tumbled and crushed three legal aids. The fact that Fernanda had already fled the country by that time, making him impossible to prosecute, made the loss seem especially pointless.

"Screw this," Stark reportedly harrumphed after the accident. "Let's just go after Faisano."

Testimony

A "young(ish)" female Aundotutunagirian diplomat named Aturirc Tulirtug testified before the Security Council in 2011, detailing a sexual assault allegedly committed by Faisano while she was working in Paradise City[3]:

 
 
About 3 years ago,...I [met] with Mr. Faisano [to] inquire about a job with the Creative Solutions Agency, which is known to hire foreigners occasionally.... [After joining him for dinner,] while we were driving back to the hotel,...he suddenly reached over and he put his hand on my leg under my skirt and reached for my genitals. He also grabbed my head and brought it toward his crotch. I was very, very surprised and very shocked. [I asked why,] and Mr. Faisano said, "You want a job, right?"
 

 

In his deposition before Stark's deputies, Faisano denied Tulirtug's allegations, and without any corroborating evidence (not even a semen-stained dress), the special counsel could no longer pursue them. A second accuser's assertions that Faisano "constantly begged [her] for sex" likewise met a dead end, when it was revealed that the anonymous accuser was Faisano's then-fiancée, Avaya Thibaudet,[1] and she was apparently only doing it as a favor to him, seeing as in her culture, politicians are lying, corrupt, criminal sleazebags with zero honor. (Whereas in Omigodtheykilledkenny, they're practically saints.)

Apart from his own conduct, Faisano was questioned as to whether he had any knowledge of the numerous sexual crimes allegedly committed by his former boss. He denied it. In addition, he denied widely reported rumors that he had had an affair with his friend, former Vice President Antigone Morgan. Morgan also gave a deposition and denied the allegations.

Referral to Congress

In his memorandum to the Federal Congress, Stark accused both Faisano and Morgan of perjury. However, Congress was controlled by Faisano's Conservative Party at the time and didn't give a rip. By 2016, however, the chairmanship of the Assembly Judiciary Committee had transferred to Tom Travis, who announced he would pursue impeachment charges against the president.[2] The remarks raised many eyebrows, mainly because Travis himself was a Conservative. However, he was much more right-wing than Faisano, and suspected of being loyal to Jack Riley, who had been elected vice president in 2015. Travis had made public statements during the campaign that he would prefer Riley as president. Also, an intern spread gossip of a "massive shrine" in Travis' office which suggested he was obsessed with Antigone Morgan. At any rate, Speaker Josh Hawkins, who said he had only given Travis the chairmanship "so he would stop bitching," was not willing to go along with the chair's embittered ramblings, and made sure his members opposed authorizing hearings. The Assembly voted 379-255 against proceeding with impeachment, with 63 Liberals—apparently terrified at the prospects of Riley becoming president[2]—joining most of the Conservative conference in opposition.

Political impact