Susa Batko-Yovino
| Susa Batko-Yovino | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born |
March 4, 1980 San Andreas, Santa Califia |
| Died |
March 20, 2019 (age 39) The 'Burgh, The Palentine |
| Nationality | Kennyite |
| Spouse | Queen Adrienne of Karmicaria (2006-07) |
| Profession | Suicide terrorist, gigolo, all-around sleaze |
| Religion | Cuauhtemocist |
| Relative | Susannah Batko-Yovino (sister) |
Susa Batko-Yovino (March 4, 1980 – March 20, 2019) was a Kennyite politician, diplomat, boxer, gangsta-rapper, "Badass MC," famewhore, and terrorist. He was also a member of the Karmicarian royal family, and served as Omigodtheykilledkenny's ambassador to the World Assembly from 2007 to 2019. A dangerous jihadist lunatic, Batko-Yovino was suspected of involvement in the mysterious death of his late wife, Queen Adrienne of Karmicaria, as well as a 2007 terror-related explosion in The Palentine, and a 2008 arson incident that destroyed UN Headquarters.
Contents
Early life and career
A proud Xt'Tapolopaquetl native whose parents bravely died in "martyrdom" against the Kennyite oppressors, Batko-Yovino competed in amateur boxing to pay his way through business school at the University of Santa Califia, where under the tutelage of his liberal hippy professors he became a terrorist sympathizer. He was the Fernanda Administration's treasury secretary from 2005 to 2006, having been appointed at the urging of his older sister Susannah, then the speaker of the Federal Assembly, who wanted to keep him out of trouble. So much for that. Susa's various compulsions for gambling, kleptomania, hookers and rich women's money were quickly making him a liability, even for President Fernanda, who in 2006 approved a mission to Karmicaria so the secretary could compete as a suitor to the queen.
Disappearance and reemergence
After a brief stint as Adrienne's consort (wherein he demanded her subjects call him "king"), the queen fell ill, prompting Karmicaria to suspend its monarchy and name Batko-Yovino its interim president. No one is quite sure what happened next (the subject has been a controversy in Omigodtheykilledkenny and Karmicaria for years) -- whether he faked his own death, tried to explode himself at the queen's bedside but failed, or simply disappeared without a trace -- but one thing's certain: he did not want to be president of some infidel country he didn't even care about...
Batko-Yovino was discovered nearly a year later at a Chechen insurgent camp, firing upon Kennyite commandos. Upon his apprehension, he naturally claimed insanity, and the terrorist-loving Liberal Senate bought every word of it. The Kennyite government wasn't quite sure what to do with him after that, so they dispatched him to the one place on Earth where terrorists are accepted, even revered: the United Nations.
Ambassador to the UN/WA
During his time at the UN and World Assembly, Batko-Yovino gained international notoriety as the sponsor of the acclaimed Repeal "Max Barry Day", and later as a 2007 candidate for delegate in a competition held in The Palentine. His "parole officer" Capt. Jenny Chiang usually got there in time to disable his suicide vest when he tries to "address" his fellow delegates, and the Strangers' Bar and nearby casinos kept him distracted from thoughts of exploding himself anyway. In August 2008 Batko-Yovino was signed up to compete as a boxer in the Third Summer Olympics, but since he was on several no-fly lists and could not travel to Commerce Heights, Kennyite Olympic officials were forced to hire a doppelganger, who lost. Batko-Yovino ran for delegate again in the 2012 "primary elections" and did surprisingly well, winning two primaries and 940 Delegate Votes, putting him in second place overall.
As of his bizarre (and as of yet, unsolved) disappearance in March 2019, Batko-Yovino had not returned to his home country since December 2007, when he was briefly allowed back to testify in secret congressional hearings related to his capture in Chechnya.
Additional materials
- KBI's Most Wanted Terrorists - Susa Batko-Yovino - Profile of Susa, released May 26, 2009.
- Statesmen of the Antarctic - includes profile of Susa, Feb. 4, 2011.
- Senate report: Ambassador not a traitor - Polar Picayune article, July 22, 2008.
- Keeping Up with Julius - Susa runs for Regional Delegate, 2007.
- At the Townhouse - Susa blows up the townhouse (allegedly!)
- From the Queendom of Karmicaria - Susa bags himself a queen, 2006.
- The Glorious Wedding of Queen Adrienne - like the title says, the Wedding, 2006.
- The Meeting - The queen takes ill, Susa declared president of Karmicaria, 2007.
