The Eternal Kawaii–Omigodtheykilledkenny relations
 Antarctic Kawaiians[1] Omigodtheykilledkenny | |
| Diplomatic Mission | |
|---|---|
|
Kawaiian Health Spa, Paradise City Kennyite Consulate, WA Headquarters | |
| Envoy | |
|
Nuncia to the World Assembly Consul Shirley Jackson |
The Eternal Kawaii–Omigodtheykilledkenny relations refers to diplomacy between Omigodtheykilledkenny and the now-stateless entity of
The Eternal Kawaii. To outside observers, the colorful history of Kawaiian-Kennyite relations might seem like an old Japanese horror film (in fact, there were multiple scenes involving frightened civilians fleeing rampaging supercreatures). To the many people that were actually part of these episodes, however, it was just one freakish nightmare after another. And another.
Kennyite and Kawaiian leaders have typically regarded each other with high levels of suspicion, even contempt. In 2005, the two countries were on opposing sides in a war known as the Kitten Revolution, which was quickly resolved in favor of a mutual, if uneasy, peace. Omigodtheykilledkenny considered the Holy Otaku Church's regime over Kawaii a rogue state, while Kawaiian leaders maintain to this day that Kennyite political figures are guilty of war crimes. The Kawaiian state was overthrown in 2007. The same year, a refugee Kawaiian tribe was given permission to settle in an historic district of Paradise City known as "The Fortress."
Cultural ties between the two countries have survived, despite repeated tumult within and between them. Both are nations with a disturbingly high number of religious fanatics and a curious fixation on a cartoon character. The Kawaiian Health Spa, which also doubles as a national consulate, operates in a converted ski lodge on a mountain slope overlooking Paradise City, and the Lucky Penguin casino in The Fortress has been a popular locale for Kennyite risk-takers since it opened in 2008. The Kennyite consulate to The Eternal Kawaii is located in the ladies' room across the hall from the Kawaiian nunciature at WA Headquarters.
Contents
History
The Kawaiians never saw it coming. Not that there hadn't been warning signs. A Senior Minister had once related to his colleagues in the Conclave of Wisdom a dream he had in which he was visited by a cailleach, who warned him, "Your fate is now tied with another. Beware the land that feasts upon dolphins and celebrates the murder of children, for they are your destiny...they are your doom." Upon hearing this, however, the otaku only glared at the minister strangely, until one of them finally asked, "Wasn't that last night's episode of Merlin?" So the Kawaiian government tactfully elected to ignore the prophecy. Besides which, they had heard reports of a phenomenon of "exploding penguins" in the territory of Omigodtheykilledkenny, one of their colleagues at the United Nations (which preceded the WA), and some were convinced that it could be a Manifestation of the Cute One. They sued for an embassy exchange, and dispatched a young otaku to the Federal Republic as nuncio, charging him with investigating the aberration. Jenny Chiang, then a Navy liaison to the Kennyite Security Agency, warned her colleagues that the nuncio had taken an irregular interest in the exploding-penguin colonies outside Paradise City. Despite previous public reports that The Eternal Kawaii was at that moment considering developing a nuclear program, the director of the KSA looked up from his desk for only a moment to utter, "Keep an eye on it."
The Kitten Revolution
One month later, in December 2005, strange reports of supposedly sacred, supernatural kittens descending from their holy mountain to wreak havoc on the Kawaiian homeland gave the Kennyites ample cover to dispatch a small team of Stripper Commandos to Sanrio City to investigate the progress of the theocracy's nuclear program. Entering the city via a military helicopter cleverly disguised as a UN aid vehicle, they quickly reported back to Defense Secretary Charlie Valentine that Kawaiian nuclear development had accelerated beyond even the Kennyite government's worst fears. (It would be later revealed, during Valentine's trial for high treason, that the secretary had bribed the commandos to supply the government with false information.) Days later, the Federal Republic responded with a "Doomsday Weapon" in the form of an Ashlee Simpson concert in the heart of Sanrio City, seriously disrupting locals' attempts to restore calm to the capital, and a nighttime raid delivering a barrage of exploding penguins. Chiang would later claim that the penguin "paratroopers" had only been dispatched as part of a "peacekeeping" mission (before "accidentally" detonating), and that the intent of the Simpson concert was "to raise your embattled countrymen's spirits."[1] In surrender talks with Kennyite UN Ambassador Jack Riley, the Kawaiian Nuncio to the UN agreed to regular weapons inspections, but since the inspections team would be escorted by a guard of Kennyite Stripper Commandos, the Kawaiian government did not have a lot of confidence in their neutrality. The ceasefire agreement helped to mitigate the tensions between the two countries for a time, but the talks themselves only served to amplify the existing feud between their respective UN ambassadors.
Post-war tensions and the Kawaiian Apocalypse
During the spring of 2006, Riley, who continued to be suspicious of the Kawaiian government's nuclear intentions, kidnapped the Nuncio and subjected him to torture (in the form of swirlies and destroying the Nuncio's hentai manga collection) to extract more information from him. The interrogations failed, and Riley was forced to claim that the incident was nothing more than part of a cruel hidden-camera reality show. In July of that year, Riley was named Kennyite Ambassador to The Eternal Kawaii. Little did he or his government know that The Eternal Kawaii actually was developing a nuclear-weapons program, all the while angering their vengeful god.
Catastrophe struck the Kawaiian state in January 2007, when Lord Gojira emerged from the sea to lay waste to the capital city and the surrounding countryside. Kawaiian leaders now say the tragedy was the Cute One's judgment for defying his will by pursuing nuclear weapons. In desperation, the Kawaiian UN mission, the only standing remnant of the Holy Otaku Church's regime, began to pressure sympathetic nations to accept fleeing Kawaiian refugees. It was in the ensuing migration that a small fleet of Wagdogian vessels, carrying the stranded Wood Rat tribe to a new homeland, accidentally made port in Paradise City. Tribal leaders concluded that the Cute One was commanding them to settle in their enemy's capital, and the Kennyite government, to their astonishment, granted them asylum in The Fortress. One possible explanation for the Kennyites' uncharacteristic show of compassion is that they themselves also had to flee their old homeland in the face of inevitable disaster. Two of Omigodtheykilledkenny's Antarctic neighbors, The Palentine and Snefaldia, also agreed to resettle Kawaiian tribes within in their respective territories.
The Fortress
| The Fortress | |
|---|---|
| — Neighborhood of Paradise City — | |
 |
|
| Country | |
| District | District of Pacifica |
| Government | |
| • Body | Local council |
| Population (2015) | |
| • Total | ~150,000 |
Sitting at the heart of Downtown Paradise City are two square city blocks of ancient highrise apartment buildings, crowded so closely together that they loosely resemble a fortress from the outside. Since 2007 the complex has been the home of the remnants of the Kawaiian Wood Rat tribe, whom the Kennyite government had permitted to settle there. (It was the least they could do, really, after triggering their homeland's very destruction.)
Once the city's most famed red-light district, the sex industry bailed out of the Fortress in the 1970s when they concluded that such a crumbling mess of urban blight wasn't good enough even for them. The buildings were used for (very) low-rent housing in the '80s and '90s, before the residents were relocated in 2003 for a redevelopment project that never got off the ground. The complex was condemned in 2004, and was quite run-down when the Kawaiians arrived three years later. The Federal Congress appropriated $50 million for vital renovations as the refugee settlers started to move in, but as it turned out, the reinvestment would soon pay for itself, as one of the buildings was re-purposed for the Kawaiians' very successful Lucky Penguin casino. Additionally, the main avenue cutting through the district was transformed into a colorful marketplace, attracting thousands of tourists to The Fortress each year.
A slightly more religiously fanatical version of Little Tokyo, the formerly dilapidated Fortress has become a vibrant and bustling city-within-a-city and a tale of economic success. At least, that's what Paradise City's official tourist brochures will tell you. The district is actually one of the most peaceful and least-crime-ridden neighborhoods within the notoriously violent Kennyite capital, owing to Kawaiians' willingness to help police their own neighborhood, and of course their eminent sense of politeness (which likely comes very grudgingly, for having to live side-by-side with their famously rude and disorderly former foes). Racial tensions are largely not an issue in and around the neighborhood, either; although a recent prank involving local fraternity pledges dragging a Godzilla-themed Homecoming float through the Fortress did not go over well with the still-traumatized exiles.
Additional materials
- Foreign affairs of Omigodtheykilledkenny
- A Brief History of the Eternal Kawaii
- The Tribes of the Kawaiian Diaspora
Notes
- Major Kawaiian settlements in Antarctic Oasis are marked; The Eternal Kawaii is a stateless nation.
