Xtapolopaqetl
 | |
| Total population | |
|---|---|
| Omigodtheykilledkenny | ~1 billion |
| Other countries | less than 5 million |
| Regions with significant populations | |
| They're fucking everywhere! Major population centers in the state of Santa Califia and the metropolises of Thoringrad and Paradise City | |
| Languages | |
| Spanish, English | |
| Religion | |
| Cuauhtemocism, Roman Catholicism | |
Xtapolopaqetl (ex-tappa-loppa-kettle) (also expressed as Xt'Tapolopaquetl), most commonly called Xtaps (despite the term's somewhat racist connotations), are the indigenous peoples of the continent of Ameranta. They were the natives first encountered by the Kennyites when the latter settled Ameranta in the 1780s. Early historical accounts portray the Xtaps as a rather mischievous bunch of tricksters, but the Kennyites, lacking any sense of humor, eventually decided to overthrow their little empire in 1785 and declare the whole nation the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny. Since then, the Xtaps have traded their harmless mischief for untempered malice, and their unrest is responsible for much of the violence in Omigodtheykilledkenny's major cities.
History and culture
Culturally, Xtaps resemble the Aztecs, but they'll haul you up their sacred pyramid and slice out your heart as an offering to the sun god if you bother pointing that out. Also, in this version of "Aztec" history, the natives gladly converted to Christianity in the sixteenth century when Spanish missionaries introduced it to them, but then got fed up with the missionaries' hypocrisy and had them all burned at the stake, and sent the conquistadors crying back to their king. (They haven't had as much success with the Kennyite invaders, who arrived two and a half centuries later.) Also, there were Moorish invaders who tried to overrun Ameranta at some point -- probably before the Spaniards' arrival -- and the Xtaps sent them packing as well, but not before adopting many of their customs, such as saying "Allahu Akbar" a lot and blowing up the infidels.
The Xtapolopaqetl Empire occupied a portion of Ameranta that suspiciously resembles RL Mexico. Its last emperor, Cuauhtémoc, despite his obvious stupidity and ineptitude, is still widely revered by the Xtapolopaqetl today. Cuauhtemoc is a very popular name for Xtap boys, and annual Fiesta Cuauhtémoc celebrations mark major points of his life with almost Christ-like reverence. Kennyite settlers, unable to figure out just how the fuck his name was supposed to be pronounced, called him "Chad." He was subjected to public humiliation after the Kennyite raid on February 11, 1785, when Thor dragged him before his subjects, still wearing his g-string, and furiously wedgied him. This was followed by the wedgying of all of Cuauhtémoc's top generals. The reenactment of this ceremony is a centerpiece of modern-day February 11 celebrations, explaining why Xtaps refuse to take part in them (when not infiltrating them for purposes of exploding them). Prior to February 11, Xtaps and Kennyites were believed to have got along fine. Xtaps helped the Kennyites survive their first, exceptionally mild and temperate, winter by distributing blankets (which they likely wiped on their asses first). Kennyites still celebrate (and Xtaps boycott/explode) the annual festival of Thanksgiving, commemorating the time when Xtaps helped the Kennyite settlers reap their first harvest, and taught them various uses for corn (though to their chagrin the Kennyites later learned the original recipe for cornmeal did not call for semen).
Religion
Xtaps by the vast majority are denizens of a radicalized cult of Roman Catholicism called Cuauhtemocism, which is also connected to February 11 (they really hold a grudge, those Xtaps). After the Kennyite raid and the collapse of the empire, priests in the Temple of Cuauhtémoc began to tell their parishioners that the Kennyites were the "sons of Satan" foretold in ancient prophecy, and commanded them to purge the invaders with fire to ring in the Second Coming. To this day Xtaps are still blowing shit up to help accelerate Christ's advent. Cuauhtemocism combines traditional Catholic teachings with Muslim and tribal traditions, which helps explain why its followers are so fucking psychotic.
Notable Xtaps
Notable members of the Xtapolopaqetl community include Constantino I, the antipope of Cuauhetemocist Catholicism, and Malasqata, Queen of the Damned, otherwise known as Ann Coulter, who now lives in Omigodtheykilledkenny. An Xtap chieftan reportedly bestowed the title on her after spending five minutes with her and thereafter pronouncing that "unquestionably" she was the living embodiment of their ancient goddess of death and destruction. The highest ranking Xtaps in Kennyite history are Susa Batko-Yovino and his sister Susannah, the former secretary of the treasury and speaker of the Federal Assembly respectively. Susa later served as ambassador to the World Assembly (2007–2019); Susannah is currently ambassador to The Palentine.
Xtap flag
The flag of the Xtapolopaqetl people, designed in 1982 by artist Stanley Nahuatl, features an Ameranta Cedar spanning a white field enveloped by two horizontal red stripes. The tree symbolizes the Xtaps' ancient homeland, unjustly stolen from them by Kennyite usurpers; supposedly the white field represents peace, which deep down is what the Xtaps truly want, and the red is for all the innocent blood they're willing to shed to get it.
In no way does the banner resemble the Lebanese flag; our lawyers are quite clear on that. We've never even heard of this "Lebanon" place; is it nice?
