Difference between revisions of "The Eternal Kawaii–Omigodtheykilledkenny relations"

Revision as of 17:22, 5 May 2016

Kawaiian-Kennyite relations

Antarctic Kawaiians[1]      Omigodtheykilledkenny
Diplomatic Mission
Kawaiian Health Spa, Paradise City Kennyite Consulate, WA Headquarters
Envoy
Nuncia to the World Assembly Consul Shirley Jackson

The Eternal Kawaii–Omigodtheykilledkenny relations refers to diplomacy between Omigodtheykilledkenny and the now-stateless entity of The Eternal Kawaii. To outside observers, the colorful history of Kawaiian-Kennyite relations might seem like an old Japanese horror film (in fact, there were multiple scenes involving frightened civilians fleeing rampaging supercreatures). To the many people that were actually part of these episodes, however, it was just one freakish nightmare after another. And another.

Kennyite and Kawaiian leaders have typically regarded each other with high levels of suspicion, even contempt. In 2005, the two countries were on opposing sides in a war known as the Kitten Revolution, which was quickly resolved in favor of a mutual, if uneasy, peace. Omigodtheykilledkenny considered the Holy Otaku Church's regime over Kawaii a rogue state, while Kawaiian leaders maintain to this day that Kennyite political figures are guilty of war crimes. The Kawaiian state was overthrown in 2007. The same year, a refugee Kawaiian tribe was given permission to settle in an historic district of Paradise City known as "The Fortress."

Cultural ties between the two countries have survived, despite repeated tumult within and between them. Both are nations with a disturbing number of religious fanatics and a curious fixation on a cartoon character. The Kawaiian Health Spa, which also doubles as a national consulate, operates in a converted ski lodge on a mountain slope overlooking Paradise City, and the Lucky Unico casino in The Fortress has been a popular locale for Kennyite risk-takers since it opened in 2008. The Kennyite consulate to The Eternal Kawaii is located in the ladies' room across the hall from the Kawaiian offices at WA Headquarters.

History

The Kawaiians never saw it coming. Not that there hadn't been warning signs. A Senior Minister had once related to his colleagues in the Conclave of Wisdom a dream he had in which he was visited by a cailleach, who warned him, "Your fate is now tied with another. Beware the land that feasts upon dolphins and celebrates the murder of children, for they are your destiny...they are your doom." Upon hearing this, however, the otaku only glared at the minister strangely, until one of them finally asked, "Wasn't that last night's episode of Merlin?" So the Kawaiian government tactfully elected to ignore the prophecy. Besides which, they had heard reports of a phenomenon of "exploding penguins" in the territory of Omigodtheykilledkenny, one of their colleagues at the United Nations, and some were convinced that it could be a Manifestation of the Cute One. They sued for an embassy exchange, and dispatched a young otaku to the Federal Republic as nuncio, charging him with investigating the aberration. Jenny Chiang, then a Navy liaison to the Kennyite Security Agency, warned her colleagues that the nuncio had taken an irregular interest in the exploding-penguin colonies outside Paradise City. Despite previous public reports that The Eternal Kawaii was at that moment considering developing a nuclear program, the director of the KSA looked up from his desk for only a moment to utter, "Keep an eye on it."

The Kitten Revolution

One month later, in December 2005, strange reports of supposedly sacred, supernatural kittens descending from their holy mountain to wreak havoc on the Kawaiian homeland gave the Kennyites ample cover to dispatch a small team of Stripper Commandos to Sanrio City to investigate the progress of the theocracy's nuclear program. Entering the city via a military helicopter cleverly disguised as a UN aid vehicle, they quickly reported back to Defense Secretary Charlie Valentine that Kawaiian nuclear development had accelerated beyond even the Kennyite government's worst fears. (It would be later revealed, during Valentine's trial for high treason, that the secretary had bribed the commandos to supply the government with false information.) Days later, as the chaos in Sanrio City had started to die down -- reportedly because the Kawaiians had begun to ask the kittens nicely to leave -- another helicopter descended upon the besieged Kawaiian capital, this one carrying a horrible shrieking instrument of terror known only as the Doomsday Weapon, which frightened the kittens and prompted them to resume their reign of destruction over the city. It turned out the "terror attack" was an (ostensibly) innocent Ashlee Simpson concert, which Chiang would later claim had only been arranged in order "to raise your embattled countrymen's spirits."^[1]

[more to come]

Notes

1. Major Kawaiian settlements in Antarctica are marked; The Eternal Kawaii is a stateless nation.