Difference between revisions of "Jessie McArthur"

Revision as of 23:51, 17 January 2015

A publicity shot for McArthur back when she worked for MTV...and if you look up a little, you can see her face.

Jessie McArthur is vice president of Omigodtheykilledkenny for some reason. She is the second woman to hold this post (and the 0th with any actual qualifications for the job). She was appointed by Sammy Faisano after the latter acceded to the presidency when the previous president ran off. According to inside sources, Faisano had originally intended on appointing someone who might know the first thing about politics, but apparently his corporate sponsors got horny after watching her skank it up on an episode of World Assembly and demanded he pick her instead. She is an independent candidate for vice president in the 2015 elections, but it's speculated that she's running more for publicity and selling her reality-show to cable TV than anything else. She's currently polling dead last.

Long before McArthur was thrust into Kennyite politics, she worked for MTV as the host of the game show Who Wants to Get Laid? But she was fired from the network in 2003 after a obscene stunt at an awards show involving miming a sex act on a microphone. She spent the next two and half years harassing MTV executives, leaving filthy messages on their voice mails, and tracking down their wives at cocktail parties to tell them all about the time "he pulled me into a backroom behind the studio and had his way with me!" -- until the network had had enough and convinced then-President Manuelo Fernanda to get rid of her somehow. Fernanda obliged, and in July 2006 made her deputy ambassador to the United Nations, where she also served under Faisano, the UN ambassador at the time. She didn't have much to do in the way of official duties (the State Department had instructed her just "to sit there and look pretty whenever the ambassador speaks"), but McArthur, trooper that she is, managed to make so much more out of her assignment than was asked -- for she also thoroughly embarrassed her country with repeated drunken escapades in the Strangers' Bar and the General Assembly, disrupted debates by slathering her boobs with whipped cream and asking who wanted a lick, and revealed so many humiliating personal details about Ambassador Faisano on live television, that the administration finally decided she was a nuisance (even by Kennyite standards) and shuffled her off to be ambassador to some far-off country that no one cared about.

She made her comeback in 2009 when KSPAN asked her to co-host their regular broadcasts of WA sessions, which they were repackaging as a cheesy reality show. World Assembly would catapult to international success beyond even KSPAN's wildest expectations, and instantly McArthur was back on top again. Unfortunately, that is what passes as "credentials" for higher office, at least according to the sex-starved, menopausal old men who run the Federal Republic's largest corporations...and now you know the rest of the story.

In her spare time, McArthur enjoys kidnapping hunky male celebs and holding them against their will in her basement until they can "make it worth her while" to let them go. Smallville's Tom Welling, Zac Efron, Chris Hemsworth, Taylor Lautner, and several members of One Direction have all taken out restraining orders against her, but unfortunately she thinks her diplomatic immunity gives her a free pass to "do whatever the fuck I want" outside Kennyite borders. She's probably knocking out your country's most popular male sex symbol with chloroform right now; better check with his security detail just to make sure.

Additional materials

• "Judge Sandy": Interview with Jessie McArthur - transcript, Dec. 3, 2012.
• Respect our authoritah!! - Announcement of McArthur's appointment to the UN, July 24, 2006.