Foreign affairs of Omigodtheykilledkenny
Foreign affairs of Omigodtheykilledkenny refers to the long list of queens, princesses, empresses and other female rulers, dignitaries and diplomats to have had the snot screwed out of them by Manuelo Fernan-- Jesus! I haven't even used that character in two years and I still keep going back to the canned male-slut jokes! Actually "foreign affairs of Omigodtheykilledkenny" is a feeble attempt to combine Kennyite foreign policy and Kennyite foreign relations into one bite-sized article. The Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny enjoys great influence within the World Assembly and the Antarctic Oasis, has fostered a number of working relationships with member nations of both bodies, and considers itself a major world power. This article examines the relations Omigodtheykilledkenny has with foreign nations and the international organizations to which it belongs, and its policies regarding foreign affairs.
Kennyite foreign relations are handled by the Omigodtheykilledkenny Department of State, headed by the secretary of state, but its foreign policy is influenced by a number of governmental bodies and officials, chiefly the State Department, the National Security Council, the Department of Defense and the Kennyite intelligence community.
Antarctic Oasis
Omigodtheykilledkenny is the founder and a charter nation of Antarctic Oasis, as well as a founding member of both the mutual-defense Allied Antarctic Asskickers treaty organization (AAA), and the regional free-trade agreement (EIEIO...or what the alphabet soup is on that one). It is a permanent member of the Regional Defense Authority and chairs summits of the Antarctic Oasis Diplomatic Corps. But there's really not all that much to do at these regional summits, because after you've terrorized all the new neighbors with loud explosions and cackling laughter, and threatened the world with saber-rattling promises to bring them to their knees with Stripper Commandos and exploding penguins, all that's left is maybe smoking a bowl and laughing your asses off watching the latest episode of World Assembly.
Speaking of which...
World Assembly
UN/WA General Assembly proceedings historically have been greatly influenced by the Kennyite delegation, which has maintained an exceptionally active presence in that body. The Federal Republic sponsored the resolutions establishing both the WA Headquarters and the WA General Fund. It is a strong advocate of international security and free trade, repeals of flawed and/or wasteful legislation, and "blocker resolutions" in key areas of WA legislative policy. It is a staunch supporter of national sovereignty and placing reasonable restrictions on the WA's power. It takes a mostly traditionalist stance on the rules and loathes their misapplication, especially as it regards the "NatSov" rule, the "Branding" rule, or the "forced roleplay" rule. Most importantly, it has never shied away from kicking delegates in the nuts when the occasion calls for it.
Bilateral relations
Associated states
Boricuastan
Thessadoria
Tiki Taki
Kennyite Wailele (Wailele Island)
Antarctic Oasis members
Aundotutunagir --- Aundotutunagir–Omigodtheykilledkenny relations
The Palentine --- Omigodtheykilledkenny–The Palentine relations
Yelda --- Omigodtheykilledkenny–Yelda relations
WA member states
Troublemakers
Ardchoille --- Ardchoille–Omigodtheykilledkenny relations
The Eternal Kawaii --- The Eternal Kawaii–Omigodtheykilledkenny relations
Other countries
Personnel
Secretary of state
| Jimmy Baca | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Kennyite Secretary of State | |
| Incumbent | |
| Assumed office | June 6, 2015 |
| President | Sammy Faisano |
| Personal details | |
| Born | September 17, 1977 |
| Spouse | Janis Frizbergdottir (m. 2006) |
| Other offices held | Secretary of the Treasury, Ambassador at Large |
The secretary of state is the Federal Republic's foreign minister and chief diplomat, as well as the most important cabinet-level official. The secretary runs the Department of State and maintains a high profile in conducting the nation's foreign affairs. He often speaks at the World Assembly during major legislative sessions and discussions of other bills the nation or the secretary consider to be important. Or he just whiles away the time in the Strangers' Bar drinking beer and watching ESPN when he doesn't have anything more productive to do. The current secretary is Jimmy Baca, because, why not? They had a cabinet position they needed to fill, and Jimmy wasn't really doing anything at the time, except perhaps babysitting the WA ambassador when no one more important was at hand. Baca is known for his previous role as treasury secretary, and then getting fucked over royally when he was promised the ambassadorship to the WA in 2008, only to have the nation withdraw from the WA a week later; he's also notable for his love of football and finance, his MILF of a mother (a former Miss Kennsylvania, who runs Bigcups™ Lingerie and bought Jimmy a place in the administration), his total skank of a wife (supermodel Janis Fritzbergsdottir, who runs off with a new photographer or photo-shoot director every other week), and for being otherwise incredibly boring.
He is, however, a vast improvement over the previous secretary, mostly because he saves the administration thousands of tree-fiddies in damage control because he never gets incredibly drunk and then runs out to find the nearest press crew to rant about random political shit. For the record, the former president of West Ariddia shouldn't "go back to dancing for horny islander dudes for money," the Palentine ambassador to Omiogdtheykilledkenny isn't "a real MILF, Magician I'd Like to--" er, and the Wrongfully President for Life of Ardchoille isn't a "drunken lush who needs a good..." well, you get the idea. (In case you haven't caught on yet, we're talking about former Secretary Jack Riley.)
Undersecretary for Regional Affairs
His name's Terry Puni. His birth name is actually much longer and more difficult to announce, but we know very little about him beyond this point. We think he's from Tiki Taki. He always seems to be on hand for diplomatic functions involving nations within Antarctic Oasis or its sphere of influence. So we assume he remembers to carry pepper spray. It's also rumored he accused former secretary of state Alex Tehrani of sexual harassment before the latter made his unceremonious exit back in '08.
There's also an assistant secretary for Member Affairs (overseeing foreign policy in the area of the world the Federal Republic knows through the World Assembly), but as of right now we have no idea who that is.
Ambassador to Antarctic Oasis
| Lenny Beteta | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Kennyite Ambassador to Antarctic Oasis | |
| Incumbent | |
| Assumed office | March 16, 2007 |
| Personal details | |
| Born | February 23, 1972 |
| Spouse | Antigone Morgan (m. 2018) |
The ambassador to Antarctic Oasis represents the Federal Republic at regional diplomatic functions and sessions of the Antarctic Oasis Diplomatic Corps. Since 2007, the ambassador has been Lenny Beteta, who holds distinction as the highest-educated bum in Omigodtheykilledkenny. He actually holds a doctorate in political science from Paradise City University, but shortly after graduation he discovered that he was too deep in debt to bribe his way into government employ, and eventually became so disillusioned with society he elected to drop out. His lazy, shiftless, Kramer-esque lifestyle has become the envy of every 13-year-old boy in the country. He mostly just sits on his ass and smokes himself retarded all day, occasionally supporting himself by entering professional skateboarding competitions and working as a carnival freak, and crashing at his incredibly hot "friend with benefits" Antigone Morgan's house in exchange for sexual favors. He won an immensely frivolous federal lawsuit against the carnie industry in 2005, and while the settlement figure was never disclosed, he was assured he'd never have to work another day in his life. Alas, he was appointed regional ambassador in 2007, wherein he signed a contract forcing him to put in at least one honest day of work per year,[1] but luckily his faithful bearded midget Benny sorts most of that out. It's good being Lenny.
World Assembly delegation
Ambassador to Malibu Islands
| Alex Tehrani | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Kennyite Ambassador to Malibu Islands | |
| Incumbent | |
| Assumed office | 2011 |
| Kennyite Secretary of State | |
| In office | 2005 - 2008 |
| Personal details | |
| Born | April 11, 1972 |
| Residence | Tiki Taki |
| Sex life | vomit-inducing |
The ambassador to Malibu Islands is a representative of the Kennyite government in Tiki Taki, a civilian overseer of the Guana Tonga Mo Bay Naval Base, and non-resident diplomat to other countries within the region. The Kennyites thought it only natural that Alex Tehrani be appointed as ambassador to the islands in 2011, seeing as he already uses the region's beaches as his own personal playground.
A former member and captain of Omigodtheykilledkenny's spectacularly awful national soccer team, Tehrani befriended then-presidential candidate Manuelo Fernanda at the 2005 World Cup and thereafter became his foreign affairs spokesman. Despite the fact that he had starred in many, er, "artistic" films in his early-adult years, he was appointed and confirmed as secretary of state after Fernanda took office. On his watch the Federal Republic became more active in the then-United Nations, recognized more nations diplomatically than at any time in its history, and proceeded to exile-- er, "dispatch" numerous no-good relatives and deadbeats abroad as "ambassadors."
Notwithstanding the fact the recounting the tale of what happened next is in and of itself a national humiliation, in 2008, questions began to surface as to personal expenses Tehrani was charging to the State Department, mainly the "poolboy" he had hired on the public dime, despite the fact that he didn't have a pool. When other rumors began to circulate about Tehrani's private life, including the lavish soirees he was holding for his former porn-- uh, "artistic" co-stars, radio talk hosts began to label him a "pervert," many popular Kennyite tabloids were running scandalous photos of him on their front pages, Tehrani himself started skipping official functions to duck the press, and even some of Omigodtheykilledkenny's repulsive "celebrities" no longer wanted to be seen in the same room as him. Tehrani suddenly announced his resignation in April of 2008, being replaced by Sammy Faisano, who immediately had him shuffled off -- along with his "personal assistant," Chuck -- to Allech-Atreus as "ambassador," a member of the very Ass-clown-- uh, "Diplomatic" Service he had created three years prior.
It doesn't even stop there, as a few years later, his personal life was once again center-stage in a Palentine royal scandal, when it was reported that he had donated sperm to father Empress Jhessan's test-tube babies in an experimental reproductive program. He was repeatedly spotted frolicking with his "assistant" -- who was rumored to be paid rather highly for his "services," thanks to the empress' generous payments for Tehrani's DNA -- on Malibu Islands' many picturesque beaches. Again, the government was forced to place him in an official position to stave off any more bad press regarding his personal behavior...and now you know the rest of the story.
Ambassador to The Palentine
| Susannah Batko-Yovino | |
|---|---|
 (Jhessan still says they're fake.) | |
| Kennyite Ambassador to The Palentine | |
| Incumbent | |
| Assumed office | 2008 |
| Speaker of the Federal Assembly | |
| In office | 2005 - 2007 |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
July 28, 1976 Santa Califia |
| Relative | Susa Batko-Yovino (brother) |
The Kennyite embassy to The Palentine is a key overseas listening post, and as such demands a seasoned and skillful diplomat to hold the reins. Or, if one them is not available, a disgraced politician. Enter Susannah Batko-Yovino, who as a stripper-turned-congresswoman knows jack shit about international affairs, but as a shameless exhibitionist feels right at home in the imperial court. She and her (in)famous little brother Susa are the highest-ranking Xtapolopaqetl-heritage government officials in Kennyite history. In fact, after their parents' noble martyrdom at a Taco Bell in 1995, Susannah served as Susa's legal guardian, during his teenage years. A Truth and Reconciliation Commission is still trying to determine whether her actions as a surrogate parent led him to become a dangerous jihadist radical and enemy of the state. In Susannah's critics' defense, it was pretty shitty of her to walk out on Susa on his 18th birthday so she could move to Paradise City with her married lover (and favorite customer at Bunnz). At the same time, her defenders might argue, the move allowed Susannah to become a powerful figure in the nation's capital and ultimately pull some strings to advance Susa's career as well -- seeing as her "married lover" was the then-Speaker of the Federal Assembly, Tom Daley, who introduced Susannah to the political world as his very able "personal adviser," and eventually vacated his seat for her sake in 2002, and then the speakership as well in 2005. Speaker Batko-Yovino's short tenure was viewed as a massive failure, however, and her Conservative Party lost its majority in 2007. She then went where all good Kennyite nuisances go: abroad, where they can't bother their friends and relatives anymore.
Batko-Yovino's posting in The 'Burgh has largely consisted of the usual competition and one-upmanship one might expect between the famously flashy Empress Jhessan and a buxom "young" rival. Luckily the contest has remained mostly friendly, helping to maintain the close friendship between their respective countries. There has been one (major) wrinkle, though: a report from K-SPAN in 2015 alleged that the ambassador may have had a hand in Emperor Captain Spaulding's disappearance the year before. The story was that Batko-Yovino was supposedly blackmailing the emperor, but little evidence exists to verify the unnamed sources' claims. Jhessan's take?: "I can understand why she wants attention, but it would take a lot more than some (allegedly) extortionist skank to undo my father."
Secretary of defense
Karen Greene.
